Grey Matter

    It has been over 16 years since I last injected cocaine or heroin into my veins. I have been incredibly blessed with a transformation via my relationship with Jesus Christ. All the peace and hope in the after life I was searching for has been attained in the living hope I have. I have a beautiful family, although I lost my father to suicide and am estranged from my mother who struggles with severe mental illness. I am a full time lead pastor of an amazing church and have the honor and privilege in teaching, preaching and counseling people now. That all being said, this long road of recovery is no cake walk. For the many years of poisoning my mind, consequences have remained. I have read of many studies of long term drug use and its permanent effects on the brain. Just one drug of choice, like heroin or meth, does enough long term damage on the brain to change someone forever.

    In fact, heroin alone reduces grey matter significantly and irreversibly. The grey matter in your brain plays a crucial role in allowing you to function day to day.  There is no known way to treat or reverse grey matter damage. Once neurons die, they don't regenerate. Those parts of your brain are gone forever. That is just from one drug let alone many.  

    I abused alcohol, THC, cocaine, crack, LSD, DXM, heroin, meth and more for a decade. Couple that with the trauma of finding my father’s hanging corpse and an emotionally abusive mother. I developed severe memory loss, cognitive decline and attention span issues. I surely lost brain cells that I will never regain. No high that I have ever had was worth the lifelong struggle in my mind to live a normal life. 

One of my many overdoses circa 2004.

    For anyone experimenting with drugs and alcohol, it is not worth it. The lure of numbing your pain is a lie from hell. The attraction of feeling a rush is a momentary delusion. The results from one moment of pleasure can be devastating. There is only one way to peace and happiness. I found the way in my Savior, Jesus Christ. It would not even be possible for me to type this if the damage to my brain was not healed even a little bit. 

    God has done something in me. He has given me enough function to live a fairly exceptional and normal life. I know what it is like to be out of my mind, psychotic, suicidal, delusional, bipolar, and completely hopeless. I remember being in a gown with sutures in my wrists and wearing shoes with no laces in a psychiatric ward. I remember the horrible feeling of not wanting to live or exist anymore. I remember hating myself. 

    All of those things came from the consequences of my own sinful and selfish choices. I was beyond repair in the natural. Psychiatrists actually told me I would have to be on heavy psych meds and in treatment for the rest of my life or I would end up like my father. They did not know about the power of God. 

    I sit here today with a sound mind. It is not perfect, but it is sound and capable of reading, writing, remembering most things, and being a spiritual leader to my family and our church body. I am able to coherently offer advice to struggling addicts in our community and a local Drug Court panel. I see hope in every single person because I remember what it was like. 

    I believe most of my brain function has been restored. I cannot remember the last time I was depressed, manic, or psychotic. Once in a while a dark cloud creeps in or I have a memory lapse. There is still damage in the space between my ears, but it is manageable. 

    Most importantly, my sins have been washed away and forgiven. I am no longer destined for darkness and death. I wake up every morning thankful for a new day. I can run for miles despite significant lung damage. I work and function in one of the most stressful vocations there is and I am able to press on. I would not trade this precious life for money, power, or the most pleasureful high that could be offered to me. 

    This has only been possible because of the transforming power of the gospel and the death, life, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. What I once wrote off as another “religion” or “cult” has proved to be a miracle. 

There is healing and freedom no matter what you have done int the past. 

There is an answer to the questions you have been asking about life and death. 

There is rescue from the depths of trauma, suicide, addiction and despair. 

There is a new life for you that can start by the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ. 

He is waiting for you with open arms and offers life beyond measure. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

So, the grey matter loss doesn't matter that much to me anymore. He has brought me out of the grey and into the light forever. He can do the same for you. There are people who love you and want to help. There are resources everywhere. There is a God who loves you and created you with purpose. 

All you have to do is ask. 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7